I know I've been holding myself back...
Today’s post is prob a little more personal than I usually go for, but I felt like sharing so here ya go.
Over the last few weeks I’ve started to get the feeling that I was kinda not really 'showing up’ in my work and my business in the way I feel I truly can.
I bloody love what I do and I don’t really plan on changing a lot (well not right now), but you know when you can just feel yourself holding back or not really tapping into your potential? Yah… That’s been me lately.
Part of me is kinda scared to share this because I’m not the best at being vulnerable or sharing deeper stuff with people, but I’m also like fuck it, I kinda wanna just write this email and send it out. (Side note :: I’m also not sharing this because I feel like I have to, or like I’m obligated to because I run an online business and share parts my life on the internet. I’m just doing it because I can and because I wanna. There’s never any pressure to share anything if you don’t wanna).
At first I thought it was just my work but after some convos with friends and some space from my own apartment + laptop, I kinda realised that this 'holding back' is actually showing itself in more than one area of my life. I also wasn’t totally sure if it was coming from a place of comparison and thinking I’m not good enough compared to what other people are doing, but after the last few days I’ve realised thats defo not the case.
On some level I thought I had my self-belief and self-worth at least semi-dialled, but I don’t think I do. There’s still a part of me that thinks I’m not good enough to do x or be x, and subconsciously it’s holding me back from the shit I really want to be doing in life. Now that I’ve begun to link these things together, I can look back and see where I’ve let it get to me. I’m pretty sure I know where a big chunk of these thoughts originally come from, but I’m still letting it sit in my own mind before I can really unpack it and learn more for myself and do what I need to re-write those thoughts that no longer serve me.
Also… So the other day hanging with some friends, one of them busted out her Wild Unknown Animal Spirit deck. I literally have basically zero experience and minimal AF knowledge about tarot/oracle decks, but I fucking loved the design + illustration of the cards on this one so I picked it up, started shuffling ‘em around thinking I’d just play around and see what happened. So the one thing I learned from a friend is that if a card falls out when you’re shuffling, don’t put it back in the deck, keep it out. So sure fucking enough, I’m shuffling, and one falls out. It was the ‘Oyster’ card. And you wanna guess what it said?
Among other things, it said ::
‘The focus and determination of the Oyster is unmatched’.
Tru tru. Don’t fuck with my vibe or get in my way when I’m in my zone.
‘They tend to become shy or doubtful, and this can lead to withdrawing or protecting their deepest desires and life’s work.’
Ummm… Also v true. YOU GOT ME. Well fuck.
I might share more about this as I learn more, and maybe I won’t. I don’t have any resources or shit to share or truth bombs to drop (other than the oracle deck, because it is legit amazing. I had to buy it for myself and I love it. If you’re a newb like me, you might dig it. I feel like its less intimidating than others, and its also super specific about what action you can take), I just felt like sharing where I’m at, cause I think we all need more of that.
Okay that’s all I got for now. I’m writing this with my laptop on my lap and its hot as balls today in Vancouver and my laptop is also super hot and it’s not a great combo, so I'mma go smash an ice cream sandwich and watch Westworld. Byeeeeee. ✌️